It’s late December, I’m tired and I still have five days left at work. Yep, it’s rant o’clock. If you are offended by swearing, then really this post is not for you (also: what are doing reading my blog?) So inspired by this amazing post on ranty girl’s blog, let me unleash on you:
The top 10 things I hate about weddings
1. Chair covers
I object to chair covers on principle. Why after years of seeing chairs in their natural form on my wedding day will my virgin brain (ha) scramble when confronted by the sight of an uncovered chair? Frankly, they are so many more attractive things to spend money on then tying a ribbon around a chair. Look I get it, venues often have unmatched chairs. But why is the onus on the couple to pay for chair covers and not the venue for having shitty chairs. Rise up brides and grooms, you don’t have to put up with this!
2. Wedding magazines and their buy everything mentality
If you read wedding magazines or in fact most magazines aimed at women, you will internalise a lot of tedious bullshit. Newly engaged me bought wedding magazines for three months before fleeing screaming into the blogosphere. I cracked after being driven into a panic because I did not have a signature perfume to wear on the day. Despite the fact, a) perfume makes me and b) HWSNBN sneeze. You see, magazines are primarily funded by advertising money and their not so secret mission is to entice you to buy all the things. And this will quickly drive you mad and broke. All you need is you, your true love, two witnesses and a place and person to marry you. That’s it. The rest, it’s just window dressing. Also see, this excellent post on
3. The bride being given away.
FUCK OFF with your outdated dark-age chauvinistic concepts. Whenever I tell people what we are/ are not doing and they don’t agree the standard retort is: ‘It’s traditional’. So.Fucking.What. Yes, let’s keep living in caves, lynching black people and drinking Coca Cola laced with cocaine ‘cos it’s traditional. Translation traditional: happened once. Times changes, things move on. Traditions, darling, are made to be broken.
4. People who ask if they are invited
Why, why, why would you do that? If you are, you’ll get an invite. If not, all you are doing is sparking a squirm inducing moment, where the bride, (because they always ask the blooming bride, see below) has to explain that you’re not invited because of a) money, b) venue limitations, or c) (yep, I’m going to be brutal here) we like other people more than we like you. Can’t you just hint like a normal person? (I’m joking, this is also grr inducing) Asking outright it’s just not very British.
5. The most important day of your life
Really? Reeeeeeeeeeeealllly? I call bullshit. More important than when I met HWSNBN? Or when, (far, far, far into the future) I have children. No, our wedding day will be a good day, a fun day (I hope) but the most important… nah.
6. ‘It’s your day’
7. Bridezilla backlash
I’m not talking about the people with personality disorders who appear on a popular TV programmes. I am talking about the label that is applied when a bride displays assertive behaviour. Yes, be polite but if you’re not getting what you want how are you being a Bridezilla by stating what you would like? As a very wise friend put it, navigating the choppy newly engaged waves can help you develop your assertiveness skills (hey Ros *waves*). The Bridezilla label has the undertone of ‘aaah women those hormones get to their tiny, tiny brains’ that fucks me right off.
8. Sudden religious conversion
We’ve all met them. The people who when engaged experience a sudden religious conversion and need, no, have to be married in the sight of god. Dudes: just be honest. You want to get married in a church because it looks good in the pictures, not because of worries about your immortal soul. On the converse, I’ve heard so many horror stories of churches getting very sniffy because of friends who have been married before. Church, really in this day and age can you afford to be picky? Let’s end the hypocrisy on both sides.
9. Throwing the bouquet
Ah, unmarried women let’s herd them into space and throw things at them (don’t get me started on brooch bouquets, ouch). Because being single isn’t hard enough? I’m kidding with this one, sort of. But I used to dread the bouquet toss before I was engaged. Once a bouquet landed in my arms and you have never seen me move faster away from something. My old gym teacher would have been proud and very stunned. And as a bride if I’m spending 100 quid on a bouquet, that baby is going to be in my hands til it’s a rotting mess of vegetation.
10. Bride you.
This makes me sad, more than angry. I’ve seen beautiful friends with short hair who start growing their hair for the wedding because it’s bridal. Or straight haired friends who curl their hair because that’s what you do. Or friends who decide they can/can’t do something because it’s not what brides do. Who says? I’m not saying don’t scrub up. But there’s a difference between polishing yourself and changing everything that makes you, well you. I want to walk down the aisle looking like a prettier version of me. So don’t change brides you’re perfect, just the way you are.
And one thing I used to hate about weddings but now don’t mind:
1. ‘What’s your theme?’
I was initially very scornful of themes when we first got engaged. ‘My theme is we’re getting married.’ I used to say. ‘Isn’t that enough?’ But: true confession time HWSNBN and I have a theme. All will be revealed shortly. But does having a theme mean I get thrown out of the bad brides club?
Wow, I feel much better. OK, lovely folks, dish about all things about weddings you hate in the comments or all tell me how much you luurve chair covers. (Seriously: why?)